Tuesday, 4 March 2014

How to Operate a PS4

Just a quick post, I recently obtained a new games console, which turned out to be an interesting black modern art sculpture. It was delivered with a selection of Continental European language instructions, a selection which neatly skirted the ones I know, so I had to figure out how the Miniature Black Monolith works by trial and error only. I thought I would share the results of my investigation, in case they can help someone in a similar bind.


First Impressions: 

It is beautiful. It shines. My grubby fingers leave marks on its perfect surface. I am not worthy. I prostrate myself in awe. 


Second Impressions: 

Wow, but it still is pretty... Anyhow, in shamefully mundane terms, it is a black flat-ish box-shape object with a sort of groove running around it horizontally, and a strip across, vertically. There are USB ports in the groove at the front, and other sockets in the flat bit in the back - I presume it is the back, because it is flat and has those sockets. The front slopes like the side of a Mayan pyramid. The sockets are fairly easy to recognise, HDMI output at the back, powercord, really this is Police School entrance exam level easy. Match plug with hole, no problem. A little cable has a USB plug in one and mini-USB in the other, which matches the one in the controller, this obviously goes in the front.

Third Impressions: 

It is now wired to anything I could think to wire it, but now comes the crux: How do you even turn it on? Or feed in the game disc? It is merely a beautiful black object, full of beauty. I caress it in the hopes of finding out more. I hear no voice in my head, nor are flaming letters suddenly appearing on the wall, so the following instructions are really just a result of repeated trial and error, I would like to stress that which is why I am saying it again.




Turn On Your New Companion Block:

  1. Undress and anoint your knees with butter or olive oil
  2. Ululate
  3. Dance around the living room, while ululating
  4. Approach the Black Monolith cautiously, averting your eyes in respect
  5. Draw a pentagram on the top of the Monolith with your fingertip
  6. Run your finger down the stripe that runs down the top of the Monolith, and down the front. When you get to the front bit, the stripe should now light up, pulsating mysteriously. If not, repeat steps 3 - 6.
  7. Are you still ululating? Remember to ululate.
  8. If you did pass the Plug in Wires test, and your heart is pure, there should now be text in the screen you attached to your Black Monolith, If this is in a language you understand, follow the instructions (it is English, so if you are reading this, you should understand that too.)

Insert Disc (to the Machine, you pervert)

  1. Repeat steps 1-3 above
  2. Praise an Elder One of your choice, a basic Iä! Iä! Shub-Niggurath! should suffice, but you can recite more complex passages if you wish
  3. Remove the game disk from its box and hold it lightly by the very edges by both hands
  4. Approach the Black Monolith. On your knees! 
  5. Offer the Holy Disc towards the "mouth" for lack of a better word, the deep groove in the middle of your Companion Block, and below the glowing stripe, not in the middle but somewhat to the left
  6. If you have prepared correctly, the Black Monolith will now accept your sacrifice and you can feel it pull the disc to its mouth and purr (your hold on the disc should be gentle enough so She can easily take it from your hand, otherwise loosen your grip immediately)
  7. Touch the floor with your forehead and ululate
  8. Follow instructions on the screen

 Ejecting the Disc

  1. Follow steps 1 - 2 above
  2. Lay supine in front of the Black Monolith
  3. Place your left hand on the lower edge of the front of the monolith, touching the stripe running across the top and down the front, at the lowest point
  4. Ascertain loudly that you are indeed not worthy
  5. Concentrate on the image of the disc ejecting, while maintaining physical touch with the Monolith. You may need to press down lightly at the stripe, and you can feel the Monolith yield
  6. Take disc when it is offered, and place it in its box
If you do not succeed in the above, it may be due to some spiritual lack on your part. Either develop your psychic aura, or sacrifice a chicken (artichoke if you are a vegetarian), then try again and REMEMBER TO ULULATE. Enjoy your new Companion Block! 

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